This is my darling husband with my boy.

Do you know why my husband looks so happy? Because during the initial tic phase/Tourettes diagnosis he refused to look at Stink as the boy who tics.

This is fabulous - don't get me wrong - he loved and still does love Stink for who he is on the inside, not what he is on the outside. But sadly for me, when I was going through my own emotions, I was ticked off. It felt like Rex didn't care.

"Can't we talk about something else?" he'd ask. Or, "For Godsake, Andrea, you're obsessed! Do some writing! Something besides researching tics!"

It's true. I couldn't stop Googling tic and Tourettes. I'd come up with all sorts of freakish possibilities for my son's life, including an existence of seperation anxiety, OCD or social stigmas. I felt abandoned and isolated - so alone in my fight. Where was my husband - my rock - when I wanted to talk about it?!

The truth is, Rex didn't want to talk about it. It's not that he didn't want to help me, but since he couldn't fix the problem, he didn't see why we were still discussing them. He didn't realize that just listening to me was helping. (And I didn't think enough to remind him of that fact.)

"But I think we can suppress the tics," I'd argue, desperate for a sidekick to my Find-A-Solution rodeo. "Maybe," he'd retort back, more than a little frustrated, "But you're grasping at straws! You're going from one diet to the next. There's no consistency! It's like finding a needle in a haystack."

He was right about that - I was like a fish on a hook, shaking back and forth to find something - anything - that would calm Stink's tics down.

It wasn't until I made up my mind that it wasn't that Rex didn't care but that he didn't know how to help (or was just too plain scared) that I finally let go of wanting Rex to handle things the way I did. The truth is, if both of us were nuts, we'd have got nothing done.

My solution was instead to stop talking about it to my husband. I found people who weren't emotionally connected to Stink to cry to. I also told Rex that I would be using a homeopath and, only after I had a concrete plan to go after, would I start the family on a new regime.

This worked out beautifully. Within days, Rex asked why I was so much calmer. I told him. His response, "Honey, you know I'd give a million dollars if I knew how to fix it. But since we don't, I just don't want us going broke financially and emotionally."

I saw where he was coming from. I did. I thanked him for being an amazing father to Stink and helping me to remember the beautiful boy beneath the eye rolls.

Then I fought like hell when he was at work to find some remedies for Stink.

And they worked.

And then Rex was skeptical.

But I told him to suck it up.

And he did.

And the results were phenomenal.

And Rex then told me I was the best mother ever and how happy he was to be married to me.

To which I responded, "No shit."

More of my writing can be found daily at BabyCenter and Good Housekeeping.



 


Comments

Lynnie

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:24:31

That's lovely. True, we all handle things in a different way. And there is always something great about having someone CALM around us when we're all over the place. Gee, I was a mess at the time. Totally.
I've heard how alot of relationships can hit bad times when things like this come up, but the reason is usually because of the different ways it's handled.
Yes, now I know there's other ways of proving your love than going haywire. lol I think I had the opinion that if I didn't try then nobody else would. It was actually my hubby who suggested it could have something to do with food etc... but I dismissed it because I hadn't actually read about it yet.
I was actually a little hurt that nobody else seemed to "care" as much as I did.
Ahhh, if only we knew then what we know now. But I think everyone has to go through their own thing.

 

andrea frazer

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:35:38

Thanks, Lynnie. I know from all your letters that you are an amazing mother. I still think you should start a blog. When you're ready, let me know. I'll help you!

Anyone else out there irritated with their spouse? If so, does my solution make sense or do you think I was way too accomodating? Would love your thoughts. I'm now 38... it took me this long to figure out that the key to much in life is acceptance, from tics to husbands that think differently than I do.

By letting go, I've opened myself up to so many other channels of like minded people so that I can come back to my husband and appreciate what he can do for me.

Thoughts?

 

JCK

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:56:49

Your solution is brilliant. You can have the best husband in the world- great listener, compassionate - but, they are not wired like us. We need to talk, talk, talk. That relaxes us. To get it out. They want to fix, fix, fix. Dumping out all of our stuff out with girlfriends is perfect. And then we feel listened to and have more energy to be loving. I think.

 

Jenn

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:02:05

God, I love what you wrote. That is exactly how I feel right now. Except my husbands still thinks it is going to go away because the Pediatrician and the Neurologist didn't think she had tourettes but for anyone that doesn't know me yet, we are new to all this and still wishing it away. I am too. Anyway, I hope that we can get to this point of understanding. We just aren't there yet. G

 

Jules

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 07:39:29

I am currently going through the exact same emotions as you have previously done. From grief to anger to denial to fix it. Whilst still feeling devastated and hoping that I will waken up one day and find that the tics have gone. My son is 8 years old and his tics came on suddenly 2 1/2 months ago although he had an episode a few weeks prior to that with neck stretching that I didn't realise was a tic at the time. Since they began they have been pretty constant and we have moved house from one side of the world to another. the neurologist said that they were prpbably triggered by the move but I am concerned that they are here to stay. I am looking at dietary changes and vitamin supplements and just hoping that I can be positive for my son which I often feel I am not as I cannot stop feeling annoyed at the tics - not that they are annoying ME but just that I feel they have taken away the boy he was. Like your son mine has been tested gifted and attends gifted classes at school. I am going to follow your example and try to be more positive. My husband sounds exactly like your husband - he works in neuroscience as well!!

 



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