Yesterday I spent the day with Topanga T in Malibu. We walked around overpriced knicknack shops, smelled the ocean, did some writing and laughed.

Last night I went walking with two other gals at the mall. We window shopped overpriced stores, smelled the deep fried pretzles, talked about our businesses and laughed.

Both occasions involved Starbuck's Pumpkin Latte's.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

Lest you think I'm a lady of leisure that sits around scarffing bon bons (well, Starbucks) all day and hanging with the girls, I can assure you that I do indeed work. My life consists of a hodge podge of freelance work, Ebay, housecleaning, cooking and raising kids of character. (Oh, that. Besides, $9.00 in overpriced coffee will save me from a $100 therapy bill. No joke.)

Despite my myriad of job opportunities as wife and mama, what I hadn't done since Stink's TS onset four years ago was have fun. It was as if joy couldn't exist as long as there were shoulder shrugs and eye rolls.

"I'll be okay once we figure out his diet," I'd moan. Or "Maybe when the vocals clicking ends I'll be able to click my own heels on the dance floor again."

Shocking as this is going to sound (because I'm sure none of you special needs mamas go through this) my recipe for happiness just didn't work.

And here's why: Happiness is dependent on external circumstances. "When I get that promotion" or
"When my husband changes" or "When that darn throat clear ends..."

TS isn't going away any time soon. I had to hang my hat on something other than happiness or I'd be depressed. And believe me, for a while, I was.

But what TS is teaching me is that my life must be dependent on joy, not happiness. Joy is something we can have even during painful circumstances, because it is not dependent on outside influences to fill us up.  Instead, we can say, "I deserve to smile and have joy in spite of less than happy circumstances."

That really takes the pressure off.

Everyone has a different version of joy. For me, nothing gives me more pleasure than the company of my husband, my family and my fabulous community of artistically minded, brilliant thinking, fearless women friends.

I hope that all of you today will take a moment and give yourself permission to feel some joy even if you haven't cured TS.

I hope you will do something for yourself not because it's going to end tics, get you a raise or make you thinner.

I hope you do something because you were not put on this earth to sulk, cry and moan. You were put here for true, authentic laughter bubbling up from the pit of your soul.
 
If for some reason you aren't there yet, consider TS as the best opportunity you ever had to get there. Because there's a good chance that prior to TS, you didn't have joy. You had happiness. And there's a difference.

Now come on. Go get some. And report back.

* Photo fo my girl and her bff taken at the field trip today. If that's not pure joy, I don't know what is. I love those little rugrats so much.
 


Comments

Lynn
10/22/2011 10:27

Andrea, three things...first, good for you for getting out, having fun & splurging on some Latte's! Second, I could not agree more about joy. I thought I was full of it (joy that is) until the tics hit, then I realized I wasn't. I was only "happy" because my circumstances at the time happened to match my idea of what happy means. I'm still trying to reconcile the joy in the midst of the ticcing. It's a process. Third, I'm curious why you think Stink is "special needs"? As much as I dislike the tics, I don't think of my son as having special needs, if anything I think I'm the one with special needs! :D

Reply
andrea frazer link
10/22/2011 16:24

@Lynn - Thanks for the thumbs up on the lattes and the joy concept.

Re: special needs, I never saw Stink as special needs either until this year. Well, this summer - longer story on that.

I feel that his focus issues at school are impacting his academics and if we don't get on them, he'll go down hill fast.

He doesn't transition as well as some kids. He's very very bright but very very stuck in his way of doings. This is going to make for a very strong leader in our community who breaks all sorts of barriers. We need our Stinks to push progress forward. Andy Warhol,for example, was never a model student. And look what he did for culture. Same with Steve Jobs (failed through school... don't think he made it through college) and look at Einstein and Edison.

This all said, flipping special needs backwards, Stink needs special ways of being taught to focus him. We, as his parents, need to accept that he's not going to follow directions exactly like his neurotypical sister. His teachers are going to need special accomdations for follow through with him.

I don't feel he should be treated any differently or get a pass, but the fact is, he simply isn't thriving the way some kids without focus issues are. This is where his "special needs" come in.

I really wasn't a fan of the word, honestly, for the same reasons you aren't. But there has been so much change this year, I'm forcing myself to get a new grip on what it means to live and love as unique person who isn't always a crowd follower.

Thanks for listening! I am so passionate about this as you can see.

Reply
Claudia
10/24/2011 16:43

Andrea,
How did Stink's talk to his class go? I've been hoping you'd post on that!

Reply
andrea frazer link
10/24/2011 17:09

@Claudia - Class presentation went really well. I will post about it today or tomorrow. Thank you for checking in. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this journey. Hope you and your family are doing well? Andrea

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