I should be reviewing some books on my marriage section.
I should be finishing up a class I'm teaching.
I should be finding time to finish my kids' book.
I should be making a little more money than $12.00/week on Ebay.
I should be house cleaning.
I should be cooking.
One could say that, this past month, I've been shoulding all over myself.
It seems that with a personality like mine (I'm Type A... no... reallly, it's true!) that I'm happiest when I'm working toward a goal. Better said, I'm happiest when I'm working toward many goals.
But in working toward so many things, it seems nothing really gets done well.
There's two ways to handle this dilemna:
1. Take more off the to-do list
2. Change it from a to-do list into a want-to list and then bury the shame and regret.
So what if I was late to an appointment today. I didn't do it on purpose.
So what if I have $12.00 in my bank account. I have a husband. He can suck it up for me for a few months while I figure out what the fxx I am doing with my life. I'm worth it.
So what if I have a little OCD. If I can accept that my brain goes to weird places sometimes, then maybe it'll go to some less weird places and in the long run I can relax and work on that book.
So what if I am not winning any home maker awards. Truth be told, my home is nicer than many and I'm pretty darn blessed.
So what if I'm not always put together - I put my soul out there. I am not afraid to be vulnerable. I am not afraid to say that, honestly, I was a lot more carefree before kids because my future - the future without the messy house, lost jobs, doctor appointments and budget concerns - was perfect!
Did you know that I used to be a funnier person?
Did you know that I used to write a hell of a lot more than I do now?
Did you know that I'm desperately trying to hold onto Christ's message that in order to gain a life, I have to lose mine?
That sounds all well and good, but it sure would be nice to lose my life and drink Diet Coke again.
As it stands, I drink no Diet Coke.
I am down two a few cups of coffee a day.
I am not eating gluten or dairy.
I've been off of wine for a week and counting.
Why? Because as Brene Brown says better than I do, I'm tired of being afraid of my emotions. It's okay to be vulnerable and scared and admit "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing NOTHING HAS TURNED OUT THE WAY I EXPECTED" and maybe, just maybe, if I don't run like an addict to obliterate fear, anxiety and shame then I don't have to obliterate pure joy, love and passion either.