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I had the privilege of keeping watch over a four month old today. It forced me to slow down... to clean out my desk... to watch Oprah with the delicious smell of baby powder mixed with formula swirling around my head.

I snapped this photo right after she fell asleep. Looks kind of perfect, doesn't it? The cozy blanket, the chubby cheeks... you can almost hear an audible sigh.

And yet, if I hadn't cropped that photo, you'd see even more of my faded couch. You'd see shavings from a rabbit cage all over the floor. (Yeah for us! Pip won the class pet by a "hare".) 

You'd see TV remotes and coffee cups. You'd see magazines, art supplies, and carelessly strewn couch pillows.

I'm not saying we're pigs around these here parts, but we're not perfect. We're humans. We are a big slice of running late/can't find the ballet shoes/woops left my car unlocked so got my purse stolen/oh no out of milk again/really did you just say that, Stink/sorry to disappoint you again, Pip/Rex I HAVE NO IDEA where I left your keysSHUT UP ABOUT IT life pie. 

It was only in sitting with Baby V... in that stillness... that I realized, truly, what I've been fighting against this past year. It wasn't just loneliness. It wasn't depression. It wasn't anger, or Tourettes or writing angst. It was not my marriage or my body or my home or my bank account. 

It was my desire for perfection. Even though logically I knew/know I can't have it, I want it. And that's about as crazy as thinking that Baby V is going to sleep EXACTLY when I want her to because I have a column to post.

To borrow a term from an art salon I hosted a few months back, life is really about Wabi Sabi. This is a Japanese term that means finding beauty in imperfection. 

For lack of a more spiritual term - DUH.

That's what has been missing!

That is what I long for!

A word and a name for what my soul has been dying to sing about but couldn't quite put my finger on.

And now I know.

And I can't turn back.

That's what I want my blog to be about. That's my book. And most importantly, that is going to be my life goal. Every. Single. Day.

If I could wake my children up right this moment, I would beg them for forgiveness. For putting up with a cranky, sullen, and funny only in bursts, Mommy. 

Somewhere, along the way, I found God (Thank God) but I I lost my verve. I lost my humor. I lost my blog. I lost me.

But now I'm back - soon with a new name.

I'm so ready to Wabi Sabi my way into June. 

What are your perfect imperfections? Who's ready to embrace the crazy insanity that makes up our wonderful, insane, BEAUTIFUL lives!

(And on a totally selfish, self-absorbed note, what do you think of a blog called "Wabi Sabi Mommy" where my posts are similar to the ones I already write, but with a focus on the chaos that makes life fun? Is that name too long? Thanks for your input.)
 


Comments

evonne

Wed, 26 May 2010 22:44:01

I LOVE that name for a blog. Love the concept too.

 

Betsy

Thu, 27 May 2010 00:30:32

Now you are speaking my language, sister.
This topic resonates like no other for me. Just this morning, I was faced, yet again by my own outrageously dramatic reaction to the realization that I am not only not perfect, I am practically imperfect in every way. I caught myself modeling how not to act for my kids. As you said, DUH!
I love your concept. And I love wasabi too. It is the perfect food. Is there a connection?

 

Arwen

Thu, 27 May 2010 04:51:18

It is so true. And so hard to remember. Having it in your blog title could make it easier to remember.

 

Deb

Thu, 27 May 2010 06:27:27

Speaking as someone who loses my patience and my temper at the drop of a hat over REALLY stupid things, I think you revelation is something all moms can relate to. I would like to stop thinking about the future and worrying about how my actions will affect my kids and instead, simply enjoy them and enjoy life. You aren't perfect, I'm not perfect, LIFE isn't perfect and you know what? We need to embrace that. I love the idea and I love the blog name. I look forward to reading more :)

 

Laree

Thu, 27 May 2010 06:40:15

I think that's a super fun name to say outloud (which always makes me happy!)

This is something I have to remind myself of CONSTANTLY. Whenever I struggle with my kids, I later realize it's that inability to control a huge element in my life that gives me the most stress.

Life will never be perfect. That's why it's life. Our reason for being here is to be tempted and tried and to grow and develop. You don't grow without resistance.

I would LOVE reading a blog like that!

 

andrea frazer

Thu, 27 May 2010 10:55:16

Thank you EVERYONE!

Now here's another question. Do you think it would be a better blog written from one person's pov (mine) or as a collection where one mom/day writes a post. Or we contribute at random. Kind of like a BabyCenter but more edgy?

Would really value your feedback here. Thank you so much.

WabiSabi away, my friends.

 

gretchen

Thu, 27 May 2010 19:35:51

Wabi Sabi Momma! Cool! Andrea, I would rather see fewer posts on the new blog and have them all be your precious, amazing, quirky, sometimes raw pov (wabi sabi, indeed!), than a place for my input. I can always comment, but I come here to see your writing. Because it's excellent. Lurve you, though, and will be back no matter what you decide. So glad you figured it out. Perfectionism is a demon. I like to call myself a recovering perfectionist, because I still see places, both in over-activity and IN-activity, where it rears its ugly head. But I'm working on it.

 

Daria

Fri, 28 May 2010 07:41:13

Since I'm kind of in a "ME" phase where I'm thinking more about myself as a woman than all of those other hats, I just have to throw out the thought of 'Wabi Sabi Woman' (instead of mommy).

 

yogurt

Sat, 29 May 2010 07:45:24

That life pie (love the term) is served up in my house every day. I can so relate and also to the striving for perfection part. I read a book on ADHD, called, "View from the Cliff" (might be that one, an excellent, excellent book, btw, but cant be sure, I've read so many). Anyway, the book says many chronically disorganized, chronically messy people are actually unactualized perfectionists. "If I can't get it looking perfect? I might as well not try." So there we go. Makes sense we need to embrace our inner imperfections.

So yes, my Wabi-Sabi friend, I'm going to try to embrace this mantra as well. Thanks for sharing a Japanese expression or philosophy, whatever it is, so that we fellow disorganized perfectionists can wake up and appreciate life instead of constantly feeling guilty.

 

alexandra

Sun, 30 May 2010 06:45:38

Hello, followed you over via one one of your funny comments on another blog.

I liked the name of your blog, and on a hunch, came over here.

Glad I did: I like your style of writing: very engaging.

Thank you!

 

Ren

Sun, 30 May 2010 07:05:50

WOW! thanks so much ...after reading this i've realized that is what i too have been stressed about not having perfection...i am totally inspired now to let go of trying to achieve that unrealistic state of being.
I LOVE the Wabi Sabi Mommy idea, please do it...for yourself & all of us. And, I'm totally "ready to embrace the crazy insanity that makes up our wonderful, insane, BEAUTIFUL lives!"
You are a STAR!

 

Arwen

Sun, 30 May 2010 17:24:23

I like the sound of "Wabi Sabi Woman" even better too. It has a ring to it.

 

Lynn

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 16:08:45

Love the Wabi Sabi concept! It's something so many woman/moms/wives can relate to. If I could find peace and beauty in imperfection, life would be so much simpler, that along with Hakuna Matata (no worries) and I'd be good to go. Love the blog idea too. I also vote for your writings with a place for us to post.

 

Meowmie

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 22:53:19

Wow, you clever gal! What fab things come out of unexpected stillness.

Re the proposed blog. How about it being principally You, your thoughts and so on, but opening up one day a week or fortnight to guest contributions?

I, too, have been guilty of chasing this perfection. I know I've been doing a bucketload of this since DH died and in that respect I think it's an attempt to create safety in perfection. But it ain't happening.

 

lisa smith

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:32:27

you love me because our lives are the same.

 

lisasmith

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:36:36

ummm... that comment above, it's supposed to be on the stolen wallet/are you organized post...

Wabi Sabi!!! I like it. No, I love it! I like it all you, I like it us, I just like it!

 

Irishmama7

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 12:08:33

I like Wabi Sabi Mommy! I also ditto Meowmies comment. I love your pov and writing but add a few guest post/writers to give yourself a break and shake it up a bit.

 



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