If Wabi Sabi means finding the perfection in imperfection, then I'm going to extend this to mean that I don't need to make my childrens' lives perfect.

Oh, sure, I talked a big game about how I thrift store shop for their fabulously stylish Harry Potter tank tops and 1980's Mork from Ork tee shirts. (Yup, that one is in the 12 Year Old bin. Stink is gonna love me for it in Jr. High.)

I brag about our fabulous public school that is giving my kids a better life education than any private one could offer round these parts.

But deep inside, I had mom guilt. "Are they going to have the same opportunities as that group of five year olds with the berets we saw on our last field trip who didn't seem so raucous and knew how to ask for directions to the bathroom in French?"  or "Am I scarring them for life by, you know, making them (gasp) share a room when all their friends have their own corners to read, play and sleep in peace each night?"

Like all parents, I want my children to be shielded from hurt. I don't want them to have any disorders. I don't want them to be teased by friends. I never want them to go hungry on any level - physically or emotionally.

A few weeks back, though, I heard a reknown psychologist speak about how, in attempting to give our kids everything, we are actually "neglecting" them. That in shielding them from natural hurts we are depleting the life skills they need to grow as balanced humans. 

Then, at the monthly art salons I host, our speaker and life coach, Wendy Wood, spoke about how it's not good for us to shield or kids from disappointment. Instead of fixing their mistakes, we should acknowledge them and walk beside them... showing them how to grow through it.

That's all I needed to hear to not make second guess our summer... a summer which consists of lots of library time. Lots of moments with friends. Lots of lazy days spent at the local pool. And...

CHORES

Here's to reorganizing the Tupperware!
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Here's to painting their shelves...
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Here's to washing windows...
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Here's to building rabbit hutches...
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Lest I come off like a mom who is bragging about her kids doing chores without a fight (because let me tell you, it took a few weeks to break 'em in) I am putting this all down on "paper" for proof.

Should my son become a beer guzzling football hubby, or my daughter a princess that can't wield a power tool to save her leopard skin pants (seriously, when will that fashion obsession with her end?) I will give their spouses this web address and say, "Dude, don't blame me. Now go make me some grand babies."

Until next Wednesday, hope your summers aren't a chore.

More of my writing can be found at Goodhousekeeping.
 


Comments

Laree

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 10:54:20

Honestly, I'm tired of everyone worrying about "scarring" other people. I'm frusterated with all the psychobabble blaming other people for THEIR problems.

I did chores. I didn't get my way. I went without everything. My parents told me no.

And I'm a rational human being.

If I can help my kids to be the same way, I think my life will be a sucess.

You go girl. Way to be an awesome Mom!

 

Daria

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:33:28

I struggle with that, too. Those days (or several in a row) where I just can't bring myself to take my kids anywhere fun/stimulating/educational/adventurous/kidtastic, I have to give myself permission to just hang out and be. It's okay to have downtime, especially when it seems like that's when they are most creative. It bothers me that I even question that. But, in the end, I am beyond blessed that I get to be home with my kids, so it doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we are enjoying ourselves.

 

Deb

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:28:35

My kids dust and vaccuum - they do a really crappy job, but hey! They're helping around the house, right? I finally had the "mommy and daddy aren't like some of the other mommies and daddies and we actually have to watch the money we spend and you should try to be thankful you have a roof over your heads" speech. I'm not sure it made any sense to my 7 year old, but my 10 year old is starting to get it. It doesn't matter what you don't give them - it matters what you DO give them. And you're an amazing mom. :)

 

yogurt tree

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:30:10

I'd like to hear that psychologist because I agree completely. Too much of a good thing ... I know parents who have been instructed by their guru's not to say no. Huh? Psychologists in the 60's and 70's advised parents to "not say no all the time" but that has morphed into an unhealthy avoidance of setting healthy limits.

Ok, now off the soapbox. On a slightly different not, just tonight I heard, "I hate having to share a room!" Followed by a hefty pout and a dramatic exit. And I thought to myself (though previously I have lectured to deaf ears) how sharing a room actually helps prepare them for marriage.

And? I organized my tupperware cabinet last weekend. I think we are living parallel lives :)

 

JCK

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:35:40

Your life coach sounds very wise. What a cool idea to get together with a group regularly.

And the kids...look huge. It sounds like you have a great summer lined up.

 

lisasmith

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 21:24:03

Andrea!!!
I've missed you!! Looks like you've been busy. My kids are finally broken in in the summer chore arena. I don't want school to start.
As moms we all struggle with mommy guilt but I always remind myself God gave me the perfect kids for me and then I pray like crazy I'm not messing them up!!
xoxoxo

 

Meowmie

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:46:18

Good on you for documenting the chores, smart mama!

I go through this mother guilt frequently, even though by any objective standard I do a good job by my daughter.

Lately I've been asking her to do more chores. She has a go at vacuum cleaning, has her own little duster, mops the floors dry after I've washed them, and so on. Just little things so she has an idea of what work feels like and so she feels that she is contributing to the smooth running of the household.

 

gretchen

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 15:44:29

Hi! I've missed you. I've been on vacay and just doin' schtuff. Lurve this post. Agree w/all your above commenters re: preparing for life. We're to give roots AND wings; not just roots which are impenetrable by the move-out-when-you're-a-young-adult police. :) Hard to push them when they NEVER thank us for it. But...they will. My kids' favorites? Poop scooping and bathroom cleaning.

 



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